Something old, some things new

Lost in my files

Here is another “magical” story.

I came across The Virgin’s Knot by Holly Payne because
I noticed Tracy Chevalier had a new novella.
Virgin Blue.
It just so happened that whomever inputed the novel
into the system erroneously posted the cover image for
The Virgin’s Knot.

Beautiful.

Another magical read.

I do not know if it is so much these works are “jumping out”
at me or if I am just more attuned with what I like to read.
.
.
.
I think I am going to be sick!

Madonna / Jezebel

Lily Burana’s book is not for everyone.

There are points of references to identify with – it helps.

It is not for everyone – should / would not be for most.

Very cliché-ish.

Reading while sun bathing in the back deck, it occurred to me that
it is not so much a fascination for the darker side of life;
it is more akin to understanding the motivation.
How it applies to me; the things I can get away with;
understanding the machismo mans’ perspective, desensitizing it
– immunize myself to another inherent aspect of my Self
then destroying the instinct / naturalness.

Coincidentally, I am just about through with the Virgin’s Knot.

I requested the book, currently reading the abridged audio version,
so I can Sense Acquire Visualize Experience (SAVE) the words.

Two-thirds of the way through the book, it got very erotic in
a deformed girl that is beautiful yet forbidden;
living in an exotic yet obtuse society – backward
through her work she is mystified and virginal!

Virgin's Knot

Reading (audiobook) Virgin’s Knot by Holly Payne.
It is about a deformed virgin Turkish girl rug weaver – Nurdane.

-break-

My nemesis at work tried to get into my head last Friday.
He believes he means well.
Spent most of the conversation reminding myself why I cannot completely trust him.
I got into his head. ha!

He is a guy . . . in all its faults.
Ollie is bias, even though he believes he treads on the middle ground

-not important-

In his defense, everyone is prejudice.
In the best of circumstances, he has a good heart.
In times of chaos, watch your back.

-break-

Growing up in the City
Exposing myself where 'Life is Cheap'
Seeing instances where 'Life is Beautiful'
Learning . . .
Seeking unlikely friendships . . .
Finding singular instances to praise differences . . .
Understanding others by ennobling the privileges & rights we take for granted daily.

It is my litmus test:

How would I wish to be treated?
Does it offend me?
Justice, Order, Balance?

The last thing I told Ollie was to not think / logic your decisions.
Accept responsibilities for the consequences but
Happiness is when you rush head first into circumstances / relationships
without considering all the benefits.

Because each of us know right / wrong.
Life can be easy if we allow it to be . . .
Only heed the self, unconsciously.

Uncertain

My new read is magical.

Incredibly, the author worked at Peepland when I had grew up in the late 80’s.
She escaped from Dover, Sussex & Newton where I tread now a day.

Considered the reoccurrence.

My current situation is simply an opportunity
for me to round out my experiences
- bridge some gaps.

I am as I have always been . . .
striving for something grander . . .
“If it is good today; it could be better tomorrow.”
“Be proud of what you have already accomplished
without being weighed by responsibilities.”

Where are the Zen principles now?

Setting others on an uncertain path by, “Take chances while there are still chances to be taken.”

I desperately try to remember all the things I wanted to accomplish.

Peter, ‘The Velvet Glove in an Iron Fist', once called me a sleeping giant.
My pursuit of the querida is so important. The sexually underlining backhand humor envelopes me in a giddiness; dwarfing the hunger that burns.
Just as I exercise to excess to reach the Brink of Burning out before throttling Back (BBB).

I have delineated my distribution list not out of spite . . .
In my experience, people are Possessive, Obtuse, Spiteful & Hateful (POSH).

An escape artist does not undertake undue baggage.

the Zenism returns

To finish . . . reading the audiobook of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
Observations:
He is not a good student
He breaks the rules
In the new novel, there are signs he is all too full of himself.
Plucky and all.

Something about the darkness attracts me

Embarking on a new novella – a biography.

But with the description such as:

“His illumination, this insight that hope, of all things, is part of the engine that drives the strip club economy, really gave me pause: Man, if I didn’t clue in to something as simple as that, what else have I missed? I can wax rapturous about what makes a women take off her clothes for money, or break down the rudimentary political ramifications of topless dancing. But beyond my own defensive analysis, I really don’t have any idea how it works. There are gaps in my consciousness you could drive a truck through. If I expect to get any smarter about this business, then I’d better get out there. Now it seems less a pipe dream than a mandatory assignment.”
Strip City: A Stripper’s Farewell Journey Across America
Lily Burana

It is easy to see the attraction.

This is one of ‘those’ instances where I was at the bookstore and the white cover illuminated.

Devil by Deeds

If I did not know any better I would have to say I was pursuing this girl.

I am looking for the passion.
There is none; she is an attractive girl that is available.

I daren’t reveal my intentions.

Our relation is at its finest hour; we flirt incorrigibly . . . I feel charming, neurotic, cowardly, needy.

Like all good things, this will not be stainable.
I have no intention of hurting her; no, she does not possess that “innocent” quality that I feel engendered to empower.

Compromising passion, I just as well seek a Bling Ling.

Devil by Deeds

Calm before the Storm


I returned to the City late Thursday night – in the rain.

There was a moment where I was not in control.

What was that . . . exhilaration?

For the first time in a long time there was fear.

Breathe deep ‘little one’.

Just as quickly I snubbed ‘it’ in its wake.

The consequence.

break

Ollie reminded me of a study on Hatred I read not too long ago – I forgot.

Thinking (as I drove in the rain, a second time; much later, to Fresh Meadows). . . . “fear leads to anger, anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to revenge.”

So much there, only if I cared.

break

Much debate; whether my way is the ‘right way’,
or is my way the ‘wrong way’.

It is NOT the only way.
It is only my way!

break

I must sound like a hypocrite cause I do not necessarily follow what I preach.

I travel on the road less traveled for so long I am deluded into believing I’m invulnerable.

Yo hacerte los costas yo quiero.

There are real dangers, it is morally wrong to lead others on such a path.

Anti-heroes are brokened.


I have argued with my Baby sister so often (and so long ago) about being “normal”. Conforming to the masses. Much less than that, appearing just normal enough to be accepted as part of the herd. I forgot, somewhere in time I took a stance / I made a promise.

I chose to understand power through philosophy, literature and sociology.

In that time, I learned something. Something I cannot quite remember except I was reminded of it some time after. It has everything to do with innocence and forgetting.

I was reminded when my mother was telling me (when I started to drink) that consuming aged things changes you. Malt liquor, Ginseng. It sounds vaguely similar to an Eastern philosophy I was exposed to some time ago.

The other thing I remember was to forget.

Strong emotions outwardly changes you; smile at a child and it is not hard to understand. Suppressed emotions changes you. I too have spent a lifetime learning control.

It is like raindrops falling in a pond.

It is why it is almost too easy for me to get caught up with those who do not understand how to mask what they feel. They let the ripples consume them.

I give away power to the innocent, who do not know better than to bare me their soul.

rejuvenating me.

I need it cause, I am neither charming enough, rich enough, handsome enough or pitiful enough to warrant holding onto.

Only the fleeting moments.

The sweltering emotion ebbs away until the unnatural coolness, calm and control returns.

Uninspired

“. . . His change of manner was simply explained. Jacopo Galli apparently could not, or would not, establish a bridge between the halves of his life. At his bank he held himself rigid, brusque. His business associates admired the way in which he dispatched their affairs and brought them the most profitable result, but did not like him as a person. They said he was not human. When he reached home Galli shed his skin as though he were a lizard, was gay, indulgent, humorous. No word of business ever passed his lips. Here in the garden he talked art, literature, history, philosophy.”

“Ridolfi was short of thirty, but ostracism and bitterness were already ravaging his face.”

“Once you have loved, should not that love last? Love was so rare, so difficult to come upon.”

The Agony and the Ecstasy by Irving Stone

My latest read.